Brad & Angelina: Art Gallery

Festival funnies: Edinburgh’s 50 Best Jokes Tonight a month of stand-up comes to a climax at the ‘if.comedies’ awards. Ed Caesar provides an alternative guide to the gags that have illuminated the past four weeksNo wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been feeding off "I Don’t Like Mondays" for 30 years. - Russell BrandI’m still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63. - Bernie CliftonAfter her accident, my nan had a plastic hip put in. But I thought they should have replaced it with a Slinky, coz if she did fall down the stairs again … - Steve WilliamsI’m a big Bono fan, but the man can’t count. On "Vertigo", he begins with ‘uno, dos, tres, catorce’ which is ‘one, two, three, 14′ in Spanish. So maybe there isn’t a crisis in Africa. Bono’s just miscounted. - Al PitcherI wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" - Glenn WoolJennifer Aniston goes to Malibu to shout at the sea. I drink Malibu and shout at pigeons. - Bill BaileyNobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! - Frankie BoyleI’ve not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson. - We are Klang (if.comeddies newcomer nominee)Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That’s a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you’d be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That’s a lot of hairy women. - Shazia MirzaA hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. - Rich HallMy dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs. - Patrick MonahanWomen want men in uniforms. In fact when you actually get down to it, all women really want are fascists. Hey, you can say what you like about the Nazis but those guys knew how to turn heads. - Dylan MoranI sent my daughter to a private school. That’s 73 grand’s worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I’ve asked her to do porn and give me the money back. - Janey GodleyI can’t find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a ****** stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. - Andrew Lawrence if.comeddies newcomer nominee)A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can’t come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,’ he says to the bouncers. ‘Yeah, but don’t start anything”. - Jason ByrneI got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off. - Stephen GrantChristmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S … - Stephen K AmosI’m a Jew, by the way. It was my agent’s idea. - Simon AmstellPlaying poker online is like being mugged without the company. - Lucy PorterAct your age, not your shoe size … that means something different on the Continent. - Richard HerringMy friend is Irish. - Oh really?O’Reilly actually. - Colin and FergusPrison governor: "Ladies, I am going to turn this place into Midnight Express. Prisoner: ‘Oh, in which case, I think I should tell you now, I’m no good on roller-skates’. - The Dutch Elm ConservatoireI went to the JobCentre for an interview. I said: "I ain’t got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off." She said: "You’re exactly what they’re after at Dixons". - Simon Brodkin"If a dog’s tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek LarwoodHave you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey MarxAs of last month we have gay bishops, official. I wonder if this will filter down into the game of chess? Those bishops can make all the same moves, but can only be taken from behind. - Jason WoodI had a great business plan … I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs … there was only one tiny flaw … - Justin EdwardsI come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn’t take his body down until the sixth of January. - Nick DoodyI was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. - Paul Sinha (if.comeddies nominee)I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: "It’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice". - Mark WatsonLet me tell you what blasphemy is. It’s the idea there’s a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He’s an all-powerful being, he’s just got self-esteem issues. - Reginald D HunterI like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble". - David O’Doherty (if.comeddies nominee)Americans only re-elected George Bush to prove they had a sense of irony. - Scott CapurroIrish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were "the terrorists" but now, we’re "the Riverdance people". - Andrew MaxwellIf I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I’d just yell out letters. - Demetri MartinTwo guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what’s he done now?" - Kevin McAleerWhat Iran needs now is a more modern leader - a mullah lite. - Shappi KhorsandiEvery older generation hates the younger generation, but it used to be that they said the young were getting more and more deviant. "If we wanted fun thenwe went to a barn dance," they’d say. We’re the first generation of old people bitching that the young are so tame. Look at these kids - we used to do crack. These ******* just drink Red Bull and go on the patio to smoke. The closest they’ve come to a fist fight is in a chatroom. "You looking at my girlfriend? Well I’m going to delete you from my MySpace friends list". - Doug StanhopeWhy do women insist on asking men what they’re thinking? We’re thinking: "****, better think of something to say." Either that or we’re imagining that we’re spies. - Ed ByrneI’m mixing beats that are phat and ill, like Pavarotti. - DJ DannyI don’t mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72 virgin jokes. - Omar MarzoukPeople who say they don’t swear haven’t had the right sex or food. - Russell Howard (if.comedddies nominee)Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t great but the reception was fantastic. - JimeoinIn the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That’s a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That’s a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off. - Rhod GilbertI grew up in Braintree, the most ironically named town in Britain - there being neither a brain nor a tree for miles around. In Braintree, they think irony comes from elephants. - Luke WrightMy body has changed so much since I have been here. My stomach is fat from the food and booze, my legs are skinny from walking up all the hills. I’ve decided ET wasn’t from out of space, he was from Edinburgh! - Wil AndersonI’ve got no problem buying tampons. I’m a modern man. But apparently, they’re not a "proper present". - Jimmy CarrWhat do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A barbie-cue.

# 487 | TONDOGIRL | Hey tondogirl welcome, I have never seen your name before, if you are new to these BAMZS threads welcome. Can I please ask you a favor, could you please use small caps it is so much easier to read, many thanks and hi again :) # 493 | Zelda | Hi Zelda, I absolutely love the name, what origin if you don’t mind me asking? I would love to see more posts from both of you folks :)))

# 504 | kidi | Hey kidi I read that first thing in the morning almost spurtted my first coffee out. She can be a *****, man but she loves the BAMZS, so I go there everyday, sometimes she must be having PMS but more often if you peel the onion down she really is funny…. IMHO,, Sorry folks who don’t care for her but I DO!!!

In behalf of the orig/regular BAMZS fans posters:WELCOME !!! Your nice & loving posts to our idol Brad & Angie are gratefully appreciated… Thank you to: aycaramba, lionel, Mariah, molly, Chi-chin, Cameron, Emily, Cinnabana, ann, Meli, raqhel, Mark, XMC, Jillie, Kmillz, brocolli, Christina, Lila, Lettie, Lea, Anna, Knight, and a second WELCOME to old lady (thanks to Original jpf) Let me know if I missed any names.. Don’t be shy to dialouge with our regular posters, share your feelings towards our Power Couple… I loved all your posts.

# 506 | Alexanderina | Hey thanks Alex ,because I know quite a few fans that hate her and for good reason, at one point she turned against the BAMZS and made fun of US fans !!! Ohhh, me thinks she felt left out of the (NO NOT the pity party) fun we were having on X/ BP/AJ **** :) Anyhooo ,I like Lainey as long as she likes our BAMZS…..

For people wondering about THE ALPHA FEMALEIs there any such thing as an alpha female?There has always been talk of the alpha male, but what of its female equivalent? Who is she, asks Clare LongriggIf we turn to nature for clues, we could look not at gorillas but elephants. Elephant society is a matriarchy, led by the biggest, strongest female, perceived as wise and kind - keeping the group together. This model of alpha female has different qualities from the male; she shares his leadership and strength, but also promotes community. She is a woman of substance, who combines physical potency with seriousness of purpose. According to the elephantine model, motherhood is essential to alpha female’s humanity: she is mature and connected. Even so, she is not hampered or compromised by motherhood in any way. Nobody would accuse her of juggling, or coping: she has staff. Most people’s images of alpha female conjure an impossible hybrid, a denatured thing. But are there alpha women who have not, as historian Professor Joanna Bourke puts it, become "men in drag"? "I think there is a difference between alpha female and alpha male," says Bourke. "The women I would nominate have changed the world by their philosophy and writings, and they have made an impact by the way they live, or lived, their lives: Simone de Beauvoir, Virginia Woolf and Germaine Greer. In their sexual identity, in the way they constructed their domestic lives, they strove to be true to themselves. If they were confrontational, it was not for its own sake, but to say: ‘This is what I am.’ They acknowledge their own complexities. Alpha males do not go down that route." "Alpha male is such a male concept," says Julia Peyton-Jones, director of the Serpentine Gallery. "It’s not a term you would apply to women. Women can be as powerful as men, but to call them alpha females would be limiting. On the whole, women have to be more inventive and they have the skills to get what they want without being so crude about it." Professor Susan Greenfield seems a candidate for alpha status: she is top of her field and still makes time to look good. She says alpha female would be in a minority, possibly the only woman in a group of men - something that, as a scientist, she knows a bit about. "She would be a leader, but not masculine in her virtues. Elizabeth I, my great heroine, was a leader, but not as a man might have been: she was feminine, stylish and very able." Another nominee is the epitome of glorious womanhood: Dolly Parton. "She is a flawless image of womanhood who doesn’t alienate other women," says writer and broadcaster Muriel Gray. "She is talented and financially powerful, she doesn’t have children so she can’t be a bad mother. And she is self-created. Couldn’t be better." Alpha male is driven by insecurity and fear: aware that there are many similar males climbing the ladder behind him, he clings to old-fashioned hierarchies. According to students of modern workplace culture, he may soon become redundant. This thesis was borne out by the sight of last year’s Wall Street CEOs and over-promoted, hyperambitious dealers dragged before the courts. The charismatic chief executive has, it seems, become a thing of the past. We may be looking at a new generation of leaders who are consensus-builders, who don’t lead from the front but push their teams forward, using traditional female skills such as listening. Whatever else he does, alpha male does not listen. **********************************************************************Fits our girl to a T doesn’t it?

how is that grandson of yours, little Braddy? # 378 | Alexanderina | Hey you ! oh, my little Braddy is a cry baby today, He got circumsized today before discharged, i’m sure he is on pain, I wish Grandma could take that pain away from my little boy.. I just called my son, said he’s sleeping.I’m glad you will be getting your driver’s license. My Ken (youngest son) got his a moth ago after 3 trial.. Take care .. You’ll get it…

Have a beauty sleep somaliam !!From a loving BAMZS fan from Missouri, USA

# 513 | Missouri Fan - Hi MF, oh little Braddy, but I heard that it is best to have them circumcised while they are a baby, so even though it is painful, its a good thing. Thank you MF, I believe that I will as well, tomorrow is the first step, so am looking forward to it, a little nervous but that is okay

Face to Face with Angelina JolieFocused on the WorldAngelina Jolie lives in two worlds: Hollywood, where she makes movies and stays in five-star hotels, and the refugee camps of Africa and Asia, where she works with the UN, bringing hope to the homeless. She feels most alive, most herself, she says, working with people who’ve endured great losses yet still feel grateful for life. At 24, Jolie won an Oscar for playing a sociopath in Girl, Interrupted, but found little satisfaction in stardom or the wealth that came with it. The daughter of actor Jon Voight and actress Marcheline Bertrand, she had already seen the downside of celebrity — her parents divorced when Jolie was a toddler. And she now says the exploits of her wild-child youth were mostly an attempt to fill an emptiness she felt inside. After she finished shooting Lara Croft: Tommb Raider, Jolie volunteered to be a UN ambassador and returned to Cambodia to visit refugee camps. She found a calling, and realized that her fame and money could be used to accomplish a world of good. Now the mother of son Maddox, 3, whom she adopted in Cambodia, Angelina Jolie hopes to adopt more children. We caught up with her in Beverly Hills on a day away from the set. She talked to us about her role as the mother of Alexander the Great (played by Colin Farrell) in her new movie, Alexander, her passion for helping the dispossessed, and her longing for a partner with whom she might share it all. RD: Did you always want children? Jolie: I always felt that I wasn’t going to be a mother. I knew that to be a parent, nothing about me could be self-destructive, or unsure day to day. I never thought I could be that balanced. RD: So your son helped you find the balance? Jolie: He did calm me down, and I have a sense of peace. It made me tougher, because I changed my life overnight, to make our life better. It’s the greatest thing that ever happened in my life, my son. RD: You first saw Maddox when you went to Cambodia for the UN. Did he pick you, or did you pick him? Jolie: I think it was mutual. I had never held a baby in my life. I was one of those women — people would say, "Do you want to hold my baby?" and I was like "No … " There were about 14 kids in the orphanage, and he was the last child I saw. They put him in my arms, and he was still asleep. Then they put him in a bath, and he stayed asleep. Then I sat with him and he opened his eyes and just stared at me for the longest time. Then he smiled. RD: How old was he? Jolie: Three months when I met him, seven months when he came home. RD: Was it a big adjustment? Jolie: I felt like I needed to earn being a mother, so in some ways I made it overly difficult. In our house, no one helped me. I’d shower while Maddox was in a bouncy thing, or try to brush my teeth with him attached to me. A few times, I came down in a blanket without a shirt on, because I couldn’t figure out how to do it while I was holding him. RD: Your marriage to Billy Bob Thornton was breaking up around then. Jolie: Yes, it was a difficult time for my marriage, but it was the happiest time in my life as a woman. RD: I read that Billy Bob said about you, "I was afraid of her. She was too beautiful, too smart. She had too much integrity. I felt small next to her." Are men afraid of you? Jolie: I’m not very settled. The positive side of that is I’m on fire all the time, to try anything. The negative side is there isn’t a lot of time for me to sit and watch a movie and hold hands. I tend to not be inside my relationships. I tend to be more focused on the world. It takes a certain kind of man to love those things. RD: Does a child need a father? Jolie: I have men in my life. I have a brother. So Maddox will have male teachers. I was raised without a father. RD: But you knew who your father was. You saw him sometimes. Jolie: Yeah, but I don’t necessarily think that’s better. I didn’t have a good relationship with my father. Growing up, I saw my mother very stressed, often, and crying a lot. I didn’t want that for my son. I believe the only people that should be around a child and raising a child are people who absolutely, 100 percent love that child. DishearteningRD: Your father said recently that he wants to reconcile and repair the damage he’s done. Are you interested? Jolie: No, no. I think it’s not something you tell the press; I think it’s something you do in your private life. Fortunately, I got to a place in my life where I realized that, no matter what he said, I was a good person, and a good friend, and I am a good mother. And because I’m an adoptive mother, I don’t see blood as family. I see time and love — you earn it. You can’t just call yourself a father. I don’t hate my father. I don’t blame him for divorcing my mother, or having affairs. He went off path. I don’t respect the way he treated my family as I was growing up. But we survived, and we’re a good family. I just don’t want to dedicate one more tear, or watch my mother cry one more time. RD: Your son has gone from being an orphan in a poor village to the adored son of a movie star. You know what the challenges are of being a movie star’s child. How are you going to deal with that? Jolie: He will occasionally be a part of Hollywood, and visit me on the set. But he will know what the real world is, and how much his mother cares about that. He travels with me on all my UN trips. He’s already got two passports — his first one’s full. RD: Do you want to adopt again? Jolie: I have a dream of having children from around the world and letting them grow up together. I’m going to see how I handle two and three, because I’m a single mother, and it’s not easy. I’d love to have eight, but I don’t know if I could. RD: Tell us about your work in the refugee camps, and your work with the UN. Jolie: It wasn’t intentional. I went to Cambodia for Tomb Raider, and it dawned on me how much I didn’t know, that there was a country where I couldn’t walk in certain areas because it was riddled with land mines. Then I learned that my own country hadn’t signed a treaty to ban land mines. I traveled more and began reading. I read about the UNHCR — United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. You realize there were refugees since the dawn of time. Nearly 20 million people are under the care of the UNHCR. I thought, How is that possible? RD: You’ve started foundations …Jolie: I have the Maddox Relief Project, which deals with Cambodia, and my Jolie Foundation, which helps children in orphanages. Then there’s an animal orphanage in Namibia I work with. RD: Do you work in places in the United States that have needs? Jolie: I’m part Native American — Iroquois Indian on my mother’s side. I have an organization called the All Tribes Foundation that’s been trying to do a lot with Pine Ridge reservation, working through the elders. And I sponsor a poster contest every year in grade schools. Students draw pictures for Refugee Day in Washington. To get thousands of children thinking about that issue is great. If there’s a kid in school that’s from another country, instead of making fun, maybe they’ll be more open to where he came from, or what he fought through. RD: Do you get puzzled stares in Hollywood for your involvement in this work? Jolie: I’ll get, "What are you reading?" I’ll say, "Oh, something about Burma." And they’ll say something like, "That’s great. Are you going on vacation?" There are a lot of good people, too, and I’d like to find a way they could help. I had a fund-raiser at my house for [banning] land mines a few years ago. There were 40 people and great speakers. I think the money raised by all those people, who had quite a lot of money, was maybe twice what I paid to put the event together. So if the party was $2,000, it raised $4,000. I know the money I have. I know what those people have. I was kind of disheartened that there was not as much generosity. So I haven’t had another fund-raiser. I’d rather just give it from my own pocket. Longing for LoveRD: Does being a celebrity give you a platform? Jolie: It allows me to do certain things. If I do a movie like Tomb Raider, with a big audience, it probably helps me. If I decide to go visit a school in the middle of Kenya, or Russia, the kids will be excited. That’s better than having an Oscar. I went through a depression when I was first famous, because what was I famous for? I didn’t do anything great. And I didn’t discover anything wonderful. When I’m in a refugee camp, my spirit feels better there than anywhere else in the world, because I am surrounded by such truth, and family. I feel so connected to just simply being a human being. In these countries, they don’t know who I am. I am useful as a woman who’s willing to spend a day in the dirt. Maybe it was important for me to know that. RD: Tell us about your new movie, Alexander. What drew you to the character you play? Jolie: She’s a very interesting mother. She won’t allow Alexander to grow up with any fear. She wants him to be extremely hard and brutal; she encourages violence. It was at a time in history when, if he wasn’t strong in battle, he could get killed. Today, we can raise our sons to do what they love, even if they’re not great at it. She had to raise a son for greatness, because that was how he was going to survive. RD: You had a pretty rough youth. Jolie: Like everybody, I went through a teen stage, mine probably in some ways worse than others. RD: You once had an interest in cutting yourself, of drawing your own blood. Jolie: I think it’s hard for average people to understand things like that. I forever wanted to feel more alive. I did turn to the cutting, and the blood, because then your heart’s pumping, and you’re bleeding. You’re alive. RD: Was there a time when you didn’t want to live? Jolie: Absolutely. I felt very empty inside. I felt like nothing mattered to me. I still have a long way to go in figuring out who I am, but I know I can be of use to others. I can help give a voice to people who aren’t as able to speak for themselves. I can be a mom — and I know what my son’s life would be like if I didn’t make that choice. I feel useful in my life. RD: Did the refugee camps change your perspective? Jolie: Oh, God, yeah. I really had no idea of the imbalance of the world, and how fortunate I was. My neighbors in Cambodia are land mine victims, and they never complain about anything. They play music; they smile; they raise their kids. They all work together. You put them next to somebody who’s stuck on the freeway on his way to his big office, and it puts the world in a totally different perspective. RD: Is there anything you haven’t done that you’d like to do? Jolie: I’m sure I will live a life of great adventure. I will help where I can. The one thing I am not sure of is if I will do it alone. I would like to believe that I’m going to share my life with somebody, one day. There’s something bittersweet when you wake up in the middle of the night, or something amazing happens — your son walks for the first time — and you don’t have that other person who’s going to remember that forever with you. That’s kind of the one sadness. But if I only get one great love in my life, him being my son, I’ll take him. RD: And if you get another love, what will he be like? Jolie: The kind of man I could be with one day would have to be an amazing father, a compassionate, strong, independent individual. I want somebody who demands I be better than what I am today. I don’t have that with anyone in my life except my son. My son somehow thinks I can do everything.

# 516 | guli - Hi Guli, I mean to talk to you but we are busy talking to everybody. lol. Yah, you will have it later.. I wish they live closer to our house so I can hold my little Bradley, I will be seing him Sunday. How is Korey, getting better ?Did you hear from Ivy’s Caleb? Do you know Tijien? I miss her posting..

little nervous but that is okay # 517 | Alexanderina | My son is a nervous person too, what I did , we keep practicing where the road test gonna be, I told you I quit my part time job just to spent time for his practicing, it pays off he passed, the first & 2nd has no practice since his brother was in a hurry and his Dad has no patience, so being the mom i gave up my other job just to be with him in practicing. I was nervous after the test I added him in our insurance he drove himself to work, I told him to call me when he get to work, not to drive fast and to call me when he’s ready to come home.. I waited for him till he came home..scary nowadays many teenagers MVA. But i know you will do fine, just before the test more practice to have self confidence.

hey hey I have one too =S